Uncertainties and Opportunities

Since I posted all sorts of status on F/a/c/e****, a lot of people have been making up assumptions, or speculations or asking me questions.

No, this thread is not a place for me to answer all those queries, but just merely for me to have an outlet to say things I'm unable to express or say out loud.

Truthfully, I have been stuck in a rut. It has been this way for almost 5 years now. And everytime I think that I should do something to change my status quo, I stop.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I stop, because of external pressure, but this internal conflict of mine has been around since 2012.

WOW! I can actually pin point to the exact time I have been feeling this. 

SO here it is.

I am actually stuck in who I actually want to be??

The Sick-Girl, who has to think about slowing down.... or the Take-Risk/Do What You want girl that i know that I want to be deep down inside. 

Now, I know, my disease has somehow affected my life in a big way. But now I'm thinking, do I let this stop me or do I continue being this girl, my father -- for some years has expected me to be.

Come to think of it, now itself, i'm still able to work-- even though people say that its just desk-work..its still work..still pressure. i'm still able to go here and there, drive on my own at a foreign place, expected to perform like i usually would.

So, right now... i have been presented with an opportunity that will certainly challenge me physically and mentally. DO i go for it?? or DO i accept that nothing else will ever happen for me.

I mean...I already have to for-go the thought about having my own family... what else do I have to give up due to this disease that has befall upon me.

DO i just lead this mundane life...with nothing else to achieve...do bare minimum.

Why am I feeling like I can do more??? am i being really unrealistic?? DO i be unrealistic and reach for the stars?? or i settle for what seems to be Monday-Friday...8.30-6.30 working hours, weekends with family.

Not to sound ungrateful of what I have... yes I have a lot.. I am more than lucky than most people. I have my family..friends..so good to me to help me through the tough times in my life.

BUT

Is this really all that i can do??

Is this really it??

Or can I achieve more??

okay...more questions... like I said, so many uncertainties that I don't even know where to begin to solve???

"I want more than this provincial life..." --- Belle